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JUNE 7, 2007

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Rosie O'Donnell Keeps Showing Up at America's Big Moments; Does She Have Gump Syndrome?
... Full story

Yoko Ono Appointed Spokesperson for New Chemical Castration Drug
... Full story

Millions Shocked to Learn Ozzy Was Prescribed Too Many Drugs
... Full story

Obama Adopts Romney's Health Plan
... Full story

Drug Company Discovers a New Illness Called "Slightly Off Syndrome"
... Full story

Cindy Sheehan Quits as the Face of the Anti-War Movement
... Full story

Valerie Plame Sues CIA, Now Wants to be Public Figure
... Full story

Inside the Interdimensional Portal of the Bush Administration
... Full story

Double Entendre Comics: Longing for Rod
... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Not Such a Dill, Bert
With apologies to Dilbert... Full story

Hugo Ballz: Nerdboy and Motorcycle Man 2
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Dr. Phil Offers to Cure Rosie's "Lesbian Rage"

NEW YORK — Talk show host Rosie O'Donnell is suffering from a psychological condition known as Lesbian Rage, according to TV guru Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil recently told a studio audience that he had successfully treated many women with Rosie's ailment.

According to Dr. Phil, Lesbian Rage occurs mostly in lesbians who also suffer from the "Chugly Syndrome."

"Chugly," Dr. Phil said, "refers to the ones who are a little chunky and a little ugly – chigly. And they can get a bit edgy and even angry, which leads to the kind of Lesbian Rage that Rosie is displaying. Hot lesbians almost never have rage issues."

In cases like Rosie's, Dr. Phil said he usually prescribes the "man-o-cure." The hard part is finding a man willing to perform the cure.

"What Rosie really needs," Dr. Phil said, "is one night with a man like ol' Dr. Phil – Dr. Phil Good. You know what I'm sayin'? That would take the edge off and free America from her constant harangues. But I ain't doin' it for nothin'. I want one million dollars and a paper bag. The choice is yours folks. You send in your contributions, and when they total a million bucks I'll take care of business."

Ms. O'Donnell, who is currently filming a sequel to her hit documentary All Aboard: Rosie's Lesbian Cruise called All Aboard II: Rosie's Lesbian Trip to the Zoo, could not be reached for comment.

D. W. Schmidt

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